I was reading an interesting blog post by Alyazya and this image of her being surrounded by lots of chicken, or goats in a countryside came up where people can be at large distances from each other. Actually, there is this huge individual that engulfs you in his/her own loving arms whenever you are all by yourself. This is so unfortunate that we start defining ourselves with the people, culture, land and/or ideas that have been hammered in our brains since childhood.
Its alright to have that sort of identity until the moment when we are no more young and stupid. But, whenever we feel (age does not matter here) that there’s some identity crises, we must embrace the fact whole-heartedly and stop faking ourselves to this awesome life we have been gifted with. This continuous lying to ourselves leads to us wearing so many masks that whether you become anonymous or famous, it does not matter at all.
Let me quote some of her words and my take on them;
I do not recall the last time I was with someone, yet I do not remember the last time I was alone. All I know is that I can tolerate loneliness as long as people surround me.
Actually, she has never been alone. She was always surrounded by the people.
For some time, I thought it stemmed from the fear of actually being alone but I’ve come to realize that I fear nothing but myself.
She is fearful of being alone since she has never tried it at all. Its like someone having read all the books about swimming but never touched water.
No, this is not a positive message lavished with self-love. What I mean to say is that I’m afraid of being alone with myself, with my own feelings and thoughts because maybe, just maybe, I will succumb to my need to face who I am.
Here things get interesting. She has this mysterious side to which she is herself unaware and rightfully scared too. People are afraid of dark only because you never know what (unknown danger) is lurking behind.
I’m more in touch with my values and purpose when I’m alone, yet I still feel out of place. I find myself getting caught up in fairy-tales, but every day, for just a minute, I become a rationalist. It’s like I’m a stray dog sitting still on a clear path towards my home.
I love this part and this is the reason I actually started to write about it. She is so much aware about her values and purpose. That’s an awesome feeling since many you’d meet they might not have even heard what is a value, let alone purpose. She feels out of place because where she is, she has already explored every inch of the land, people, etc. She needs to get out of that one tiny spot on this blue planet called earth by homo-sapiens.
For me, moving forward requires solitude but how do I do that when I feel lonely all the time? My constant craving for human touch and my need to escape myself overpowers me.
She asks a golden question which pretty much everyone has always asked me that I have had been in touch with. This awesome self that she is so scared of, she has never allowed her to touch her, to embrace her, to engulf her in her own passion, desire and this eternal love. Just in case, your brain wandered into anything related to selfishness, you can kindly bring it back to the scope of words and the context here.
I tame words that beg to be flushed out of my body.
I hold tears that plead to be let go of.
All, because, I am afraid of being alone.
And she ends such an interesting post with poetic words. I am one of those thirsty souls for such words and tears.