I have never commented on someone’s blog post and then reviewed it later. Lucy Rebecca’s post “Detached” changed all that. She did not only earn my comment on her blog being posted on my own blog as a complete separate post, but this special prose review as well.
Her words are in quoted form;
One of my biggest fears, which I’ve only come to realise in light of recent events, is that no one (who meets me, gets to know me and sees both the good and the bad in me) will decide to stay in my life. Maybe this is a fear that a lot of us have deep down, even if we’re not always willing to admit it or say it aloud. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t one of those people.
How many of us can admit so graciously what she said in there? Complete acceptance is obviously impossible but here she is expressing her frustration at not being able to find someone who checks all those boxes.
I know that it’s normal and common for our past experiences to influence to the way we perceive and approach new relationships with new people in the future. How could it not, when our lives are full of the unpredictable? I believe that everything we’ve gone through, the good and the bad, the big and the small, changes us as a person, regardless of how major or minor those changes are. They also change our views, our wants/needs, our perspective, our outlook on life.
And boom! she hits the nail right at its head in the very next paragraph. Our unique experiences bring about a unique individual. And the past definitely influences any sort of present or future, no matter how hard we try to not. I think the secret of success in any new relationship lies in to how truthful we are towards each other in the beginning of the relationship. Trust takes time but from introduction point of view, the basics should never be hidden, of course.
Would you be surprised if I told you that I’m twenty two years old and have never been in a serious relationship before? Maybe, or maybe not, depending on how well you know me. If it were up to me, though, I would have been in more serious relationships than I could count. Unfortunately the people who have walked into my life and the circumstances surrounding them have not been right and have not lead me down that path. We have always wanted different things or been focused on different goals, different outcomes. Romantic feelings have never been mutual, only one-sided and un-returned.
At the age of 22, she has gone through too much than the usual. She has missed many trains and stations in the confusion of all this being new or maybe too abundant. If you take things slowly (without rushing), I’m sure results will be far more satisfying even if it means accepting the failure. But totally not giving any relationship its due time and space is unfair to both.
My desire for anything serious has always been unmet, despite my best efforts to achieve something great, worthy and long-lasting with the individual. As have my needs, mostly to have someone who cares about me stand by my side through thick and thin, to have someone support me and who brings out in the best in me, even when I’m at my weakest. The truth is I don’t know how any of this feels, because I am yet to experience it. While it seems that many people around me are finding the one they love and want to be with, I remain by myself, whether I want it that way or not.
Its so unfortunate to see people “pretending” to be in her life but actually being at distance whenever it comes to a point where you have to walk the “think and thin” line of life together. It fails me completely to think that one will actually jump in a relationship, taking the other only for a joy ride and not being ready to share the pain together. Such shallow individuals are of course better to get rid of as early as possible, wherein I think she was lucky.
The fact that I have, in fact, always been alone, has lead to me to develop a kind of self-reliant independence, which is probably the biggest silver lining I can think of to come from it. The problem is, because I’m so used to depending on myself, I don’t know how to depend on anyone else or what that even looks like. I’ve never been able to depend on anyone but myself, and this isn’t a lifestyle I have chosen but one that seems to have chosen me. I lack any kind of knowledge and experience that you gain from a serious relationship or partnership.
Co-dependency is officially diagnosed as a psychological issue which needs treatment. Lucy is an independent individual which every truly unique individual “must” be. PERIOD. Sorry for my caps but I wish I had something better to emphasize that. She is a prized gift only waiting to be found amongst so many codependents around us. And since she has not had any serious relationship, hence only jumping the ocean will help her learn how to swim like a fish.
Just like how Forrest Gump puts it;
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.
I wish I could be one of those people who got lucky in finding someone who was serious enough about them to stick it out. I think, for them, that even if it didn’t work out they would still have plenty of hope of finding someone else who will decide to do the same because they’ve experienced it before and they know that since it happened once, it can happen again. They know how it feels to have someone see all sides of them; the good and the bad, their flaws, their strengths and weaknesses, at their best and worst, and still be there at the end of the day. They haven’t done a runner or been fazed by anything they’ve seen, because they love that person regardless, for everything that they are.
This paragraph of hers inspired me to write my own experience of marriage which you can find in the “About” section of my blog. At the age of 22, I felt exactly like her, minus the desire for anyone to be in my life. Back in those days, I actually aimed for far older ladies who were preferably widowed or divorced just for the sake of a traditional or arranged marriage. I am actually surprised at how well she is informed about what she wants without having even experienced it. Its strange and sort of puzzles me. Whether someone is experienced in relationships or not, imho, it does not matter. What matters is how awesome that particular individual is, without whom you can’t imagine a beautiful life as it feels in his/her companionship.
One of my biggest fears is that no one will choose to stay and I will end up alone, just like I have been thus far. One of my biggest fears is that if someone truly gets to know me, they won’t like what they see and will leave in search of something or someone they consider to be better. I’m not denying that I have some amazing qualities that someone will love about me, but it’s the other side that I’m worried about. I’m talking about the side of me which I don’t necessarily like but is still a part of me nevertheless; the ‘bad’ or undesirable parts of me I guess you could call it. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like that side is what lets me down, because people get one glimpse of it and seem to run for the hills, deciding they don’t want anything to do with me anymore. It always seems to faze them, even when I’m just being my imperfect, human self.
Oh well, just this part, the very last sentence in this paragraph she said, brings tears to my heart, not my eyes. Those great words, I will definitely find it very difficult to find any other words equally awesome. Lucy is my hope in this world as long “humans” like herself exist, I still have hope amongst so many messed up people around. Its best those fakes run for hills cause that’s where all of them cowards belong and they are the ones who’d end up alone, never the types to whom Lucy belongs.
I know that many people say things like “you’ll find that person who loves you for everything you are and all parts of you; the good and the bad”, but when you’ve never experienced this and you don’t know what it looks like, it can be pretty hard to believe at the best of times. It can be pretty hard to maintain a sense of hope that I’ll find myself with someone like this one day.
She’s absolutely right in that. For any lucky couples, hers is only a matter of time. But in all actuality, she is right to be concerned and she should be. Cause if we are not suitably concerned, we don’t strive hard enough for that. For some, it just happens (finding someone) without them having even aimed for it. For some, they become relationship experts without having any relationship for themselves. Its a world of chance, luck and a life full of surprises, shocks and disappointments.
I guess that’s why I started making it harder for people to get to know me. Somewhere along the line I became incredibly guarded and learnt how to keep people out. I figured, “if I don’t let them truly get to know me then I’m sparing myself the hurt feelings and rejection when they up and leave in X amount of time”. After all, if everyone has gotten to know you and decided to leave anyway, then why bother letting others do the same? I realise it’s a negative mindset to have, but it’s about the only one I have after how things have turned out for me. I gave up hope that anyone new would be any different to the people of the past. I got sick of ultimately ending up alone, sad, hurt and confused so I tried my best to do something about it that would spare me from going through the same thing in the future.
She has built a healthy wall after all those disappointments. One can’t call them boundaries as they are way different in nature from a wall that one erects to keep themselves safe from being hurt again. Its like a wall which is too high for anyone else to cross over. She feels safe in there as compared to being hurt all the time by different individuals. Its a perfectly natural reaction after so many failures and there’s nothing that stops one from “pausing” and collecting some breath before going on.
But now someone has come along, walked into my life. They want nothing more than to get to know me, but I find myself so worried and scared that they will turn out to be the same. That I will take the time to open up, become vulnerable and let them truly get to know me – the real me – only for it to not make a difference in the end. I don’t want to look at another person’s back as they walk away from me and out of my life for good. I don’t want to be disappointed and let down again. After being this guarded for so long now, I don’t know how to even begin to let them in and bring my own walls down – even if just a little bit for them to get a glimpse as to what’s inside. I’m scared that they might see the very core of me, my heart; the one part of me that has been bruised, battered and broken more times than I can count.
After reading this final paragraph, I commented this on her own blog;
Wow Lucy. This is one of the very few posts that I like so much that I’d be writing a “prose review” by reblogging it on my own blog. In the meantime, I think you are a very good writer and I strongly recommend you to start writing a sort of “user manual” of your own self on here. It could be in form of poetry, prose or anything you feel good about. If anyone new wishes to get to know you, simply direct them to your blog here. Let them see your spirit more thoroughly through every single word of yours.
It will also help you see how much interest they show by sharing their own views or feelings about your words and their own selves. It becomes painful to repeat yourself over and over to new people and I can see why your spirit would want to shut herself off for a limited time to breathe and start telling your stories all over again.
Written words over here will help you go a long way. You don’t have to make all of your posts public over here. Some of the posts over here can be private, whom you can share privately with this new individual. The key here is to never stop trying but in the meantime don’t let your spirit get too tired of trying as well. Give yourself a break that technology (in form of blog or paper) brings you while you continue enjoying this amazing self of yours.
I love the way your name starts with “Love” 🙂 hugs!