KBJ (an anonymous blogger) runs a blog at https://vibealittle.com and wrote a very interesting (yet confusing) post https://vibealittle.com/2018/07/31/let-it-be-you/ which attracted my attention. I decided to write a review but for the whole month, “life happened”. Better late than never. So, here are her words and my comments/review;
The title of her post is “Let it be you” which pretty much sums up what she later elaborated. She always chooses herself at the end of all of her failed relationships. Why? Let’s continue to read in her words… (in quotes)
Why does it feel so wrong to chose myself? I’ve been here too many times to count. A whirl wind romance on the fritz staggering between falling apart or becoming toxic. I’m not a victim. I know my faults, flaws, and wrong doings. I know I continue the vicious cycle, I cringe at the first flare up of an argument because I know it is the beginning of a down hill battle of respect among one another. I know this path better than the route home from work. I run with the idea that different actions will create different reactions. I have been loving, selfish, understanding, distant, and as a last resort committed to therapy! None of them of which have changed the outcome.
She starts off with an honest feeling and admission that she “does” feel wrong in choosing herself at the end of every failed relationship. And she should. Its highly selfish to NOT take into account the other party’s feelings, heart, love, all the investment of time (or money) he made, etc. And she does also admit in the comment section of being always the one who runs instead of staying, being patient, etc.
Any new relationship is obviously going to be a whirlwind romance only because its “new” until her time to call it “old” arrives and boom, OVER. Her calling her own failed relationships “toxic” also speaks volumes about her inability to make right decisions. She does not come off as victim, and sort of pats her own shoulder by saying to herself that she knows her flaws and wrong doings. I totally disagree with that. If she knew her flaws, it will be mostly the other (who does not know much about his relationship needs) who will run. Here she contradicts herself by admitting her inability to handle the first argument in her new relationship.
But she does not stop there as in the same breath, she also calls herself loving, understanding who is well-equipped with therapy and other tools to handle any such difficult relationship issues. Nothing of which actually seems to work in the end. Even though totally unrelated, if she only writes this paragraph in any of her dating profile’s intro, as a man, she and I may have a fling but I’d never consider her worthy of any serious or long-term relationship.
I’ve lost myself in the conundrum of , “Can people really change?”. We are human. We make mistakes. We also learn and grow, is there a rule book somewhere that justifies a fair fight? How many times does someone get to overstep boundaries before the refs calls a personal foul? Or maybe I need to look within for the answers. Is it a matter of low self-esteem and poor choices? Did I accept a mission from the universe to help heal those that have almost given up? This is my life, my choices, and what I allow, but I struggle with leaving. I would say it is 90% because I’m worried they will give up on themselves again and 10% of not wanting to be alone. My solution, space. I ask for space to be upset, clear my head, and recharge. All any man ever seems to hear when I say this is, “I hate you and I am giving up”. So, not what happens in the movies, right? What happened to sending flower just because she makes you smile?
No fight is fair and I am surprised at her looking for or maybe (in future) aspiring to write some sort of rule book to justify such fights. And since she has had multiple fights in multiple failed relationships, hence her confusion in trying to understand the underlying causes of such fights is quite reasonable. She questions herself a lot and ultimately ends up making an already troubling or a difficult relationship more complicated. And then to untangle herself, she starts looking for space when in reality she should have had enough space before starting out on a relationship. In comments section, it was interesting to note from her words that she can’t be alone or give herself true space soon after a failed relationship. She always ends up in another difficult one, hence totally unable to figure her own lacking out.
Another interesting thing in this paragraph is that what she is looking for in another individual, she frees herself from having it first. For example, she is so much ready to give up but is totally unaware that the other might have already given up on her long before she actually made up her mind. But he has been withholding it or letting her have the edge (yes, there’s this thing called ego which some serve by walking out on the other). She wants her partner to be all lovi dovi, but for herself, she prefers to stay on the receiving end alone, without giving much to save the relationship.
It is a repetitive pattern. So I can only assume this is between me and Karma, but damn it, when will I get it right? I am an acquaintance with all my ex’s. It makes me sick to my stomach to hear, ” I feel like I don’t deserve you”. I have heard it all too many times, but it brings me to my latest epiphany. Where are the “middle men”. at? The one’s that aren’t perfect or rich, but they want to provide for their family and respect women? I feel like it is a choice of conforming to the lifestyle of a man that is rich to feel as though your are with a provider or dismantle your self-respect to be with someone that give the illusion of being in love with who you really are until it comes to fruition. I’m soul that has to roam free, so there will be no conforming for the sake of a false sense of security. I want so badly to draw the line in sand when it comes to falling in love with illusion, but it tricks me better and better each go around.
She walks in every new relationship with high expectations but expects the other to have average or “middle ground” type of expectations about herself. She sees lots of issues in others i.e. her men not respecting her or not being able to become providers like she’d want to. But that’s quite a vague statement to make as respecting someone can mean a million things and in this modern age. There’s a lot of teamwork required for a successful relationship than solely focusing on one’s ability to be a provider.
Most of what she’s describing here is a post-failure scenario, hence it is going to be dark, confusing and totally lacking much context. She is trying to come up with an understanding of men in general that she can apply successfully at her future failed relationships for lesser painful breakups. Her last line in this paragraph is quite interesting “It tricks me better and better each go around“. In other words, no matter what golden book on men you provide her, she’d be still going down this rabbit hole over and over as if it is her fate or karma.
My thoughts are jaded and my heart is confused. As I look around at couples, I can’t help, but think it’s an unspoken acceptance of settling. He has the money, she has the looks. Ya know, the cliche type of political relationships you see where one benefits from the other, but the benefit is not that of love. I’m not perfect and I am too rough around the edges to date a man with my career focus. Nor am I willing to sacrifice my hopes and dreams to stay at home with the children. I can’t be with someone that doesn’t contribute just because I want someone available in my small amount of free time. I guess it is silly to think there is something in between, huh? I’m a mom that is married to her career…
And finally, she admits herself being of being totally jaded and confused. The whole writing of herself must have started with the same feeling. At least she gave her confusion some words to ponder for herself and for some curious readers like myself. Unfortunately, she has some certain stereotypes about successful couples out there which take her further away from any possibility of having a meaningful relationship any time soon. She is not perfect herself but is unwilling to settle for anything less than perfect in the other. She is not willing to sacrifice but does expect the other to make many.
These and many other contradictions make her the worst choice for any man out there. She clearly needs a lot of work to be performed on herself first before talking or considering about anyone else out of herself. In the meantime, to sort her “loneliness” issues, she could try many alternate lifestyles i.e. polyamory, flings, friends with benefits, etc.
When she is ready, she may never know that. But the other, her true life-partner will be able to spot that in her from quite a distance before even they meet. Until that happens, there will be countless therapies and many self-doubting episodes like this one.