While reading a very interesting post by KBJ (one of my favorite bloggers), I noticed lots of “was” and “were” as if she was craving her lost relationship to be back to normal how it used to be with her Ex. Of course with a different, better and a more complete woman that she has become today.
Let’s try to read between the lines she wrote;
It may have taken me a nervous breakdown and an sobering amount of self-pity, but I figured it out without explanation.
Sadly, it seems she went through a lot after that breakup. And today she can see things more clearly than how she could when she was in the middle of a rough ride in her relationship.
Instead of destroying it; you wanted to preserve the link.
Her Ex probably tried to stay in touch after the breakup, maybe as friends. But she was filled with so many emotions back then that she totally rejected it. She explains next why did she react to his generous offer back then.
It was impossible for me to heed, coming from a series of conditional relationships.
I had to scratch my head for a bit before coming up with a possible explanation of “conditional relationships”. I think she is referring to the relationships with her family. Or quite possibly she is talking here about some of her relationships with men where they loved her conditionally in return to her loving them unconditionally.
I’m not sure if it was the anxiety or pride that made it difficult to interpret the language you spoke, but it was in my grace that it was not ignored.
Here, she is speaking about her Ex’s offer to stay connected in good faith. However, she was confused (anxious) and a little proud in her ability to go on the other side where grass is always greener. So, she rejected his offer. Today, her narrating it the way she does here, one can see the longing of her to be with her Ex again.
Although, I think it would have been one of those too good to be true situations: Neither of us were comfortable with unconditional love.
Teenage love is usually unconditional, stupid, crazy and all those things. Personally, I prefer the love to stay that way between two strangers until their last breath. However, both of them sort of lost each other due to reasons she elaborates next.
I knew how to give, but not receive and you… the opposite.
Wow, this sentence, right here, I felt like “BINGO”. She is exactly the kind of a woman that I’d love to have. But sadly she belongs to her Ex as her soul is making her write all this, missing him. I was so unsure about these words that she wrote that I actually asked her in comments section and here’s how she responded;
Amir: So the lesson youl learned from that relationship was that you are most suitable to always give, but never recieve?
KBJ: The lesson learned is that you must love yourself before you can love another. It was in finding myself that I found understanding.
Amir: So in the experience you described in the blog post, you were wrong in always giving in, without receiving much?
KBJ: Wrong is not the word I would use, but I would say I was still incomplete because I was only comfortable giving unconditional love, but rarely did I accept it in return…
She realized that her unconditionally giving love made her lose some part of herself since he was not returning it with what she expected. Back then, they were both immature, not ready for a true relationship. Today, she is and probably will welcome him back in a heartbeat, provided he has not moved on.
She carries on missing him by saying following words;
We were counterparts, never noticing that together we we became whole; a metamorphic life lesson neither of us were yet deserving of.
Only if her Ex can read this, I wish. Such beautiful words, expressed so lovingly. This is true love unfolding its own self. Her spirit is making her write things that she’d have never imagined back then writing about. Today, she’d feel “perfect” in union with him than how she used to feel when she was still learning how to accept love.
It was not in my journey of unity with the universe, but in my exploration of self that I found conviction.
And finally, she ends it with profound words about self love. She explored her own self and found her true self. That journey (with her Ex) was a journey with an incomplete self awareness. Today, she knows herself very well and today she can not only love someone truly, madly, deeply and eternally but also she will be aware of every single moment of this next beautiful journey (hopefully with her Ex).
KBJ is someone that I don’t know and probably will never know. However, such deep words by beautiful spirits like herself give me a hope that one day, I’d be as lucky as her Ex finding such a gem of a woman.