I have dated a woman who was on anti-depressants (without my knowledge) and definitely had mental health issues. After that fling was over, I used to wonder a lot not about her, but about those happy pills (a.k.a antidepressants). Its been a decade since then and I have always wanted to know the first-person story of someone going through relationships while being on antidepressants. Aimie has finally elaborated it all for me. And she has no idea how much am I thankful to her.
Traditionally, I review every single word and paragraph but her words are so powerfully self-explanatory that I just copied and pasted them here for my own reference and future use. We may not know how much our insights are useful to someone and that’s the reason I always encourage people to write.
Anyways, here are beautiful words of Aimie about relationships and antidepressants;
To Feel Nothing Or To Feel Everything
The title of this next post is something I’ve had in my head for weeks and weeks now. I’ve explained this to those closest to me, a small part of me actually opening up to people for once.
After being on and off anti depressant since I was 17 (9 years now) I can’t say I ever had one where it made me feel super happy. I mean, I felt okay within myself and so many times I stopped them because I thought I would be just fine without them. But, I just never felt how I thought I should be feeling in that particular circumstance. I wasn’t completely emotionless because I am a very emotional person at the best of times, but I just wanted to feel some kind of joy, and I never got that.
I remember thinking that this was how I was going to feel for the rest of my life. It was difficult because whenever there was something going on, maybe friends or family wise, I kind of shut off. I had my opinion but I never really felt much. Hard for me to really get my head around I guess.. So you can imagine just how different life has been for me since I have come off my anti depressants (that’s another story) and I have felt EVERY emotion humanly possible.
I suppose it’s not such a bad thing to feel a lot of emotions, but I feel them so intensely, that I guess the anti depressants just took the edge off how I was really feeling. Almost like it was a mask to the BPD, just a matter of time before it fell off and revealed itself.
I’m very sensitive. Always have been, even since school. If I were to fall out with someone they would be over it within hours, it would take me days to move on. I would replay every word in my head and spend hours thinking how to make it right. I struggle a lot with getting over things, even the smallest of things. They are mostly the things that torment me at night, haunt my dreams and give me terrible anxiety. Sometimes I just wonder if it’s how I am, if it’s who I will always be. I love intensely.
Despite all you may read about how it can be difficult to maintain relationships and that we lack the ability to love, it’s not true. At least for me it’s the complete opposite. And I suppose this is where my attachment issues come into play and it’s one of the most terrifying things. It’s definitely hard for me to just move on, especially if I really like someone. I’ve dated a few times and each time they haven’t worked out it’s almost like my whole world has fallen apart. The simplest of reasons as to why it hasn’t worked but I will still blame myself and question if I could have done something different. In those times, I wish I could be numb from it, to feel that pain to me is like being run over a thousand times and it’ll take me forever to get over unfortunately. Then that makes it difficult for me to open up and to give anyone else a chance, it is such a rollercoaster inside my head everyday.
There have been many many nights when after usually being on a high (since no medication I am up and down most days) that when I retreat to my bed, just before sleep I feel like I’ve been hit by a giant tidal wave. Absolutely out of nowhere I will be questioning my existence and be resisting urges to self destruct. When I cry, I don’t stop. It’s not the quiet crying into the pillow type crying. It’s the ugly, horrendous, soul destroying, breath taking, hysterical crying. Rocking back and forth begging your mind to shut up. Most of the time I don’t even know why, it is so exhausting that in those moments, yet again I wish to feel nothing.
But just because I feel everything doesn’t mean I only feel sadness or anger. In my high elated moments I feel almost untouchable. I can laugh genuinely with tears in my eyes until my stomach hurts. I can be dancing round my room without a care in the world and it is such an amazing feeling especially when you know just how bad the downsides can be. Unfortunately I know that when you go up, you have to come down at some point, it’s just a matter of time. There is no in between.
I suppose without this experience it wouldn’t of made me who I am today. I know it sounds so cliche but it really is true. Everyday I learn more and more about not just the BPD and mental health but about me too.💕