This very interesting post is in German and here’s its English version;
journey of feelings
7:15 am, her cell phone beeped.
Her eyes opened carefully – another day.
As if by itself, her arm rose, moved towards the bedside table, and turned off the alarm clock.
She pushed the covers aside and the first thing she immediately felt was an infinite emptiness …
Where was she from?
… she didn’t want to analyze it now, didn’t want to know.
If she was ever good at something, it was at putting things out first.
She tried not to think about the unfulfilled emptiness – this hole inside her that refused to close.
Instead, she lolled around in bed, stretched extensively, and her muscles began to wake up.
Slowly she rose from the crumpled, warm realm, she had to go to the bathroom.
On the way there, her gaze slid through the patio door.
It was already light outside.
The sky was blue and the embers of the early day literally poured into their home.
“What the heck, let me say hello to the new day first,” she thought, opened the door and went into her garden.
And really – the day promised to be beautiful.
It was still freezing cold outside and she froze a little. The hair on her arms and legs stood upright, even on her face she noticed goose bumps. Her bare toes realized the dew on the lawn, curled up and still she enjoyed the moment.
But something was wrong …
A voice inside her whispered that it was different before. She thought about it.
And yes, the colors of nature once had more power, inspired them more with zest for action – filled them out.
“Is that also due to the void in me? Is everything fading in and around me?
And does it always go on like this? Tomorrow after tomorrow this emptiness? Day after day? Week after week? Months? The next few years ??? “
She broke away from these thoughts and from the garden.
Went back inside.
In the bathroom she began the morning procedure as if in a trance. The hot steam clouded them. But with the warmth and the fog something else came up again: It was about him. Naturally!
In the shower she let the hot water run over her body. The water caressed her and it was pleasant to notice how slowly the body temperature rose again.
Somehow it was always about him.
had another next to her.
No, he had her next to the other one.
Was he with the other …
following your current mood, she turned the water from hot to cold.
Cooled off, tried to freeze the mind.
She sighed as she got out of the shower …
He’d taken more from her, much more than just being around. He also took the child from her.
Because it was only when she told him that she was pregnant that she found out that this other existed.
At that moment she became aware of that again.
He had stolen her joy in life, her hope.
Happiness banished from their life. Just like the previously so bright colors in her garden, it went through her head.
She wanted to look in the mirror, look at herself, but it was fogged up.
“Lucky me, maybe the picture would not have been good, based on this line of thought.”
She grabbed the towel and rubbed her body, put everything in dry towels – the show must go on.
Make-up, choice of wardrobe, getting dressed … the usual procedure.
When she got to the kitchen she filled the kettle and set it down next to the plate. She picked up the matchbox and lit the gas stove to make coffee.
Drinking coffee was once important when they had breakfast together – so to speak, their elixir of life. But was that still the case today?
Even such earlier elementary rituals lost more and more of their value …
And with this thought, self-pity came back. An unworthy feeling, sure.
She clumsily picked up the whistling kettle and burned her fingers.
“Shit, that too!” While she hurriedly held her hand under the tap and the pain slowly subsided, she said:
“At least something in my life that still feels real and real!”
A little later she was sitting at the table.
Alone – and yet again not.
Still lost in agony, she drank her coffee and smoked a cigarette.
However, her thoughts still revolved around him. Or again? Or still.
Should she have had the child? Alone? Raising it without him? Should she have fought more? Have to fight?
All of this went through her head again when the alarm clock beeped again.
The signal she had to get to work.
She used to hate her job because it separated her from it.
In the meantime it was different …
All the work helped her to drive him out of her head again and again.
When she got home late at night, she knew he was gone.
Away from her life,
away from her mind.
It wasn’t until early in the morning when she woke up that she also knew that he would get up with her again.
As before, sat down with her at the table.
Waited for the coffee.
Before, yes, she was happy that he was there. Today, however, she would give anything to be without him just once.
She only wanted to wake up once in the morning and just be herself.
… for a whole day.
………………………………………… … Fahrt der Gefühle
7:15 Uhr, ihr Handy piepste.
Ihre Augen öffneten sich, vorsichtig – wieder ein neuer Tag.
Wie von selbst hob sich ihr Arm, bewegte sich in Richtung Nachttisch und stellte den Wecker ab.
Sie schob die Decke zur Seite und das Erste, was sie sofort fühlte, war eine unendliche Leere…
Woher sie kam?
…sie wollte es jetzt auch nicht analysieren, nicht wissen.
Wenn sie jemals gut in etwas war dann darin, Dinge zuerst einmal zu verdrängen.
Sie versuchte, nicht an die unerfüllte Leere zu denken – dieses Loch in ihrem Inneren, welches sich partout nicht schließen wollte.
Stattdessen räkelte sie sich im Bett herum, streckte sich ausgiebig und ihre Muskulatur begann, wach zu werden.
Langsam erhob sie sich aus dem verknitterten, warmen Reich, sie musste ins Bad.
Auf dem Weg dorthin glitt ihr Blick durch die Terrassentür.
Draußen war es schon hell.
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