Why Don’t I Forgive Until Asked Specifically

A blogger “Kate” wrote this about forgiving yourself before forgiving others at her blog post “The Naughty and Nice List and how to know if you’re on it or not.

Have you ever had that moment where you are thinking about a person or a situation intensely, and then your perspective shifts and the whole floor of your internal conversation just drops away? Your argument is stolen on a puff of wind that exits the mid section, following what feels like a very real blow.

Happened to me this morning. I had been in a dudgeon thinking about a certain person and their behaviour. As happens with those sorts of things, thoughts were spiralling, as I thought of other situations where this person had ticked me off with their selfishness and immaturity.

This was all quite unconscious, just the brain doing its thing, thought train rushing along, but then I overheard myself and began to pay attention. I recalled that if a strong emotion is being called to the fore, over another persons behaviour, than perhaps that was because I needed to look at the way I had handled a circumstance in my own life, just to see what was triggering such high indignation.

Sure enough I found it. It happened years ago and I was so humbled and ashamed at how I too, given a stressful and similar circumstance had behaved badly, that it stopped me in my tracks.


The rest of the her blog post is also quite interesting and if you have a couple of minutes to spare, I’d strongly advise you to do it at A Thousand Bits Of Paper.

About forgiveness, why am I not quick, easy, humble and forthcoming like her?

Before identifying any wrongfulness in my own self, I try to find myself before that event. And when I do, I totally find myself at peace and just enjoying life or minding my own (fucking) business). Let’s say I was naïve like many before I fell in the trap of love that these bitches (with two aging boobs and an excessively abused vagina). Yes, sex is the first mistake (or let’s say a beautifully unforgettable experience) our young and stupid brains make.

Afterwards, the whole thing is narrated in any fake Cinderella stories written and performed by actors and actresses out there. In reality, we just try to fuck each other through stealing their money, spreading lies about them, coming off as their victims, playing all sorts of hideously deceptive games, etc. since its the first time someone has given these zombie-like creatures an importance behind the guise of sex (also mistaken as love by our brains).

Another blogger Paula D. Tozer tried to exemplify all of this (forgiving ourselves) scenario through umblicial cord to our mother’s wombs via this blog post ;

Your attention to this aspect of the relationship, specifically, your attachment to it, is what keeps the energetic bleed going.

It is the dark side of honor.

It looks like responsibility, guilt, regret, and sacrifice.

It’s full-body immersion in the Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda’s.

It’s considering yourself unworthy of freedom.

It’s like an energetic umbilical cord that has been established with one (or both) of our parents. They really didn’t mean to do it, but like a child latching on to nurse, they also latched onto you. It was so slick and anesthetizing that you were lulled to sleep hearing it.

As a child, it became part of the way you related to that parent. As a parent, it became the way you related to that child – the energy behind the thoughts with which you spoke the words that defined who they are to you.


There are millions (if not billions) of books, articles, how-to’s and what not written about getting over and moving on from one individual (with two boobs and a vagina) to another. And I kid you not when I say that I have not only read many of them but also tried to discuss (to the point of arguing) the points with their authors as well.

Fooling someone in love and then coming off as their victim is just another dimension of this deceptive world that keeps on feeding those fake Cinderella stories to young brains. Sooner we realize it, better it will be for our own sanity instead of forgiving ourselves or any cheating (stealing, hideous and deceptive) slut out there.


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